SATIRE:
ST. CLOUD, MN (a completely fictional city) — A local man who swore he would not turn on his furnace “one single day before November 1st” was found Thursday frozen solid to his recliner, still giving a thumbs-up and insisting, through a beard full of icicles, that “it’s really not that cold.”
The holdout, 58-year-old Dale Thorvaldson-Nygaard, has kept the same rule since 1994. “You turn it on in October, you’re soft,” he explained from inside a thin layer of ice. “My dad didn’t turn his on until Thanksgiving. Of course, he also lived in the garage.”
His wife, Bev, has been sleeping in a parka, ski goggles and three pairs of mittens since mid-September. “I married him for better or for worse,” she said, holding up a calendar with November 1st circled in red marker. “Nobody said anything about 41 degrees in the kitchen.”
The Thermostat Is Taped Shut
Family members say Dale duct-taped the thermostat in an X shape “so nobody gets ideas.” The ceiling fan now has icicles. The TV gets only one channel, and it’s frost. Neighbors report seeing a family of squirrels knock on the door to ask if they could please go back outside where it’s warmer.
“I brought over a hotdish and it froze before I got it on the counter,” said next-door neighbor Marlys, who would only give her first name. “He said, ‘Oh, you didn’t have to do that,’ and I said, ‘Dale, you can’t feel your face.’ And he said, ‘Sure I can.’ He could not.”
City crews were called to help, but they got stuck in a roundabout on the way over and had to stop twice to report a new pothole to themselves. When they finally arrived, they looked at the house for a while, said “yep,” and left a sign that says “Repairs Scheduled Spring 2031.”
Other St. Cloud Furnace Rules
Experts say Dale is far from alone. Local households follow a strict set of furnace laws handed down by grandpas:
- The Sweatshirt Rule: If you’re cold, put on a sweatshirt. If you’re still cold, put on Grandpa’s sweatshirt. It smells like 1987, but it works.
- The 62-Degree Line: Anything above 62 is “heating the whole neighborhood” and must be reported to Dad immediately.
- The Window Clause: Windows stay open until the first snow, “to air it out,” then are sealed with plastic until May.
- The Space Heater Loophole: Technically not the furnace. Grandma has had three running under her blanket since Labor Day.
As of press time, Dale was still in the recliner, counting down the hours to midnight on Halloween. “Not long now,” he said, slowly, as a snowflake formed on his eyebrow. “Then I’ll turn it on to 60 and we’ll see how we feel about it.”
Worldly Newsly Reportly is made-up comedy, so no real people, furnaces or recliners were harmed.
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