SATIRE:
ST. CLOUD, MN (a completely fictional city) — A burglar who broke into a home on the east side Tuesday night turned himself in Wednesday morning, telling stunned officers he “just couldn’t take the niceness anymore.”
The suspect, who asked to be identified only as “Kyle, probably,” says he slipped in through an unlocked back door around 2 a.m. and was halfway out with the family’s snowblower when the lights snapped on.
“I figured they’d scream or call the cops,” Kyle said. “Instead the lady goes, ‘Ope! You must be freezing, hon. Sit down, I’ll put a pot on.’ Then the husband asked if I’d eaten. I hadn’t. That was my first mistake.”
Nine Hours of Hospitality
Over the next nine hours, homeowners Marv and Darlene Ostergaard-Pfluger served the intruder three cups of coffee, a full pan of tater tot hotdish, a plate of lemon bars and “a scoop of the green salad, the one with the little marshmallows, which isn’t a salad.”
“We didn’t want him going back out on those roads,” Darlene explained. “Have you seen 8th Street? He’d lose a tire in the first pothole and a leg in the second. That’s not safe for anybody, even a criminal.”
Marv then offered the burglar a ride home, a spare winter hat and, at one point, the snowblower itself. “It’s a good machine, but the pull cord’s a bear,” Marv said. “Figured if he wanted it that bad, maybe he needed it more. Our driveway’s mostly ice anyway. The city plows it back in every time.”
By 11 a.m., Kyle said the guilt had become “physically heavy, like a second winter coat.” He asked to use the phone, called police himself, and was told it would be about 45 minutes because officers were busy guiding a minivan out of a roundabout it had been circling since Sunday.
Police Puzzled, Couple Unbothered
“Twenty-two years on the job and I’ve never had a suspect beg to be arrested just to get away from bars,” said Sgt. Lonnie Kvamme. “He kept saying ‘please, no more coffee.’ Honestly, it was the most humane thing I’ve seen all week. Last Tuesday a guy stole a stop sign and nobody noticed for a month.”
City leaders said they are studying whether the “Ostergaard-Pfluger Method” could replace traditional policing, since it costs less than fixing a single block of road. A committee to form a committee to discuss it will meet sometime in 2029.
Darlene, for her part, sent Kyle off to the station with a foil-wrapped plate. “He seemed like a nice boy,” she said. “Bit of a thief, sure. But he wiped his feet.”
Kyle is expected to plead guilty, mostly, he says, “so I don’t get invited back for Thanksgiving.”
Worldly Newsly Reportly is made up for laughs. Any resemblance to real people or places is pure coincidence.
0 Comments