SATIRE: This story is completely made up for laughs.
BRAINERD, MINN. — Church basement officials are reeling this week after a Lutheran potluck was crashed by what witnesses describe as “three little green fellas and one very tall hairy guy who smelled like a wet dock.”
According to completely fictional church volunteer Marlys Thorvaldsen, 71, the visitors arrived in a glowing saucer that landed gently in the parking lot “right between the Buick and the other Buick.”
“I said, well, you came all this way, you might as well have a plate,” Marlys told Worldly Newsly Reportly. “The aliens went straight for the tater tot hotdish. The big one, I’m pretty sure it was Bigfoot, took four bars and didn’t even ask what was in them.”
Sources say the aliens were deeply confused by the Jell-O salad. “One of them poked it with a little probe thing and it wiggled back,” said made-up witness Gary Lindquist. “He screamed. Then he went back for seconds. That’s Minnesota for you.”
Things got tense when the head alien attempted to leave without returning the church’s casserole dish. “You don’t do that,” Gary explained. “I don’t care what galaxy you’re from. You bring the Pyrex back.”
Bigfoot reportedly stayed behind to help fold tables before vanishing into the pines along Highway 371, leaving only giant footprints and a thank-you card signed with a single muddy paw.
The saucer was last seen hovering over Gull Lake, where local fishermen claim it “scared off every walleye for a mile” before zipping off toward the Boundary Waters.
Experts at the fictional Minnesota Institute for Hairy and Extraterrestrial Studies say this is the 14th alien potluck sighting this year. “They keep coming back for the bars,” said Dr. Ole Hanson. “Honestly, can you blame them?”
Church organizers say the visitors are welcome back anytime, provided they sign up on the clipboard and bring a dish to pass.
Worldly Newsly Reportly is satire. All stories, quotes and ‘witnesses’ are fictional and for entertainment only.
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