SATIRE: This story is completely made up for laughs. St. Cloud is a completely fictional city that does not exist. Any resemblance to a real place with this many roundabouts is purely coincidental.
ST. CLOUD, MINN. (A COMPLETELY FICTIONAL CITY) — A flying saucer from a distant galaxy has been stuck going around the same St. Cloud roundabout for three straight days, and witnesses say the aliens on board are “starting to look a little rough.”
The spacecraft reportedly entered the roundabout early Monday after crossing 4.2 billion light-years without a single problem. “They handled black holes, asteroid fields and a solar storm,” said made-up traffic expert Dr. Wendell Gruenhagen of the totally invented Central Minnesota Institute of Going in Circles. “Then they hit a two-lane roundabout with a yield sign and it was over. Nobody survives that on the first try. Most of us still haven’t.”
“Which Lane Do We Want?” Asked the Aliens. Nobody Knew.
Witnesses say a gray alien eventually leaned out of the hatch holding a paper map and asked for directions. Locals were happy to help, in the Minnesota way, which means 20 minutes of advice and no answers.
“I told him, oh, you’re gonna wanna get off at the third exit, unless it’s the second, and then you go past where the old place used to be,” said imaginary resident Marlys Thoreson, 71. “Then I said, but don’t take Division Street, there’s traffic. He said, ‘When?’ And I said, ‘Since 1987, hon.'”
Another fake witness, Darrell Pflepsen, offered the visitors a pan of tater tot hotdish. “They didn’t know what it was, so I said, ‘It’s food, it’s a vegetable, it’s a lifestyle.’ The little guy ate the whole pan and cried. Then he asked for the recipe. I said no. Ope. Sorry. But no.”
Rescue Plans Hit a Pothole
The fictional city sent a public works crew to help, but the truck fell into a pothole on the way. “That one’s been there so long it has a lake association,” said pretend crew chief Gary Lindbergh-Kuhn. “Somebody’s got a dock in it. There’s a pontoon. I think there’s a walleye opener.”
Crews then put up orange cones around the spaceship, which locals say is “the most work that intersection has seen in years.”
Weather Makes Things Worse, Obviously
By Wednesday, the aliens faced their biggest threat yet: a surprise October snowstorm, followed by 64 degrees and sunshine, followed by sleet, all before lunch. “Their home planet orbits two suns and a volcano, and they said our weather was ‘too much,'” Dr. Gruenhagen said. “One of them asked if this was a punishment. We said no, it’s just Thursday.”
At press time, the saucer had finally escaped by following a minivan with a “My Kid Is an Honor Student” sticker out the second exit, then immediately missed the turn and went around again.
The aliens left a note on the windshield of a nearby pickup that read, in perfect Minnesotan: “Real nice town. We won’t be back. Not to be rude.”
Seen a UFO stuck in traffic? Send your blurry evidence through our contact form. Worldly Newsly Reportly will believe anything.
Worldly Newsly Reportly is StarShot’s satire section. Every story, person, quote and “fact” in it is made up for entertainment. St. Cloud is a real and lovely city, and we only tease the places we love.
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