SATIRE: This story is completely made up for laughs. St. Cloud is a completely fictional city that does not exist. Any resemblance to a real place with this many potholes is purely coincidental.
ST. CLOUD, MINN. (A COMPLETELY FICTIONAL CITY) — Panic is gripping the imaginary city of St. Cloud this week after residents reported “a snake the size of a city bus” slithering through Dumb Dare Woods, the secret forest where St. Cloudians go to do St. Cloudian things.
For those who’ve never been (because it isn’t real), Dumb Dare Woods is where locals dare each other to lick frozen flagpoles, ride shopping carts down the sledding hill and eat gas station sushi from the Division Street area “for the ‘gram.”
“I seen it with my own two eyes,” said completely made-up witness Duane Krebsbach, 58, who was in the woods to “find a quieter place to lose my car keys.” “It was longer than the line at the DMV and twice as slow. Then it just vanished. Kinda like our road repair budget.”
City Leaders Spring Into Action (Eventually)
The fictional St. Cloud City Council responded quickly, scheduling a meeting to discuss forming a committee to study whether to hold a meeting. “Public safety is our number one priority, right after the new decorative fountain,” said imaginary council member Brenda Fenske-Olson. “We’ve allocated $14 and a roll of duct tape to the snake situation.”
Officials admit the snake could be anywhere. “Honestly, it could be living in one of our potholes,” said pretend Public Works director Ron Hoppe. “Some of them have their own ZIP codes now. We found a pontoon boat in the one on 25th Avenue. Nobody’s claimed it.”
Residents are skeptical the city can catch anything. “These are the same people who’ve been fixing the same stretch of road since 1994,” Duane said. “The snake’s gonna die of old age before they get the orange cones out.”
Crime Wave? What Crime Wave?
Some locals fear the snake has turned to a life of crime, which wouldn’t make it stand out much. “Last week somebody stole my catalytic converter, my lawn flamingo and a whole tater tot hotdish right off my porch,” said made-up resident Karen Steinkopf. “Police said it was probably the snake. Or Gary. Mostly they said fill out the form online.”
The fictional police department has issued a public statement asking residents to “please stop calling about the snake and also please stop calling about everything else.”
The Search Goes On
Search parties armed with flashlights, butterfly nets, hockey sticks and casserole bait have combed Dumb Dare Woods every night this week. They found three lost hunters, a Vikings hat from 1998, and Bigfoot, who reportedly joined the search and was “more helpful than the city.”
Nobody has found the snake. Experts at the completely invented Central Minnesota Institute of Things That Probably Aren’t Real believe it may have simply left town. “It’s a smart snake,” said fake herpetologist Dr. Lyle Brandvold. “It saw the roads and noped out. Took the roundabout to Sartell and never looked back.”
Until it’s caught, residents are urged to stay out of Dumb Dare Woods, which nobody will do, because somebody already dared them.
Spotted the snake? Submit your blurry evidence through our contact form. Worldly Newsly Reportly will believe anything.
Worldly Newsly Reportly is StarShot’s satire section. Every story, person, quote and “fact” in it is made up for entertainment. St. Cloud is a real and lovely city, and we only tease the places we love.
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