SATIRE: This story is completely made up for laughs.
In the completely fictional city of St. Cloud, Minn., a pothole on a made-up stretch of road called Crumble Avenue has grown so big that the state has officially listed it as a lake, and anglers are already pulling walleye out of it.
Neighbors say the hole first showed up in April as “a little dip.” By June it had swallowed a minivan hubcap. By August it swallowed the whole minivan. This week, after a rainy weekend and three days of the city “monitoring the situation,” it filled to the brim and became what locals now call Lake Pothole.
“I’ve lived on this street 31 years and I finally have lake property,” said made-up homeowner Darlene Schmitz, 67, who has already put up a “Cabin Life” sign. “My taxes went up. The road didn’t get fixed. But I can see a loon from my kitchen, so honestly, net positive.”
Walleye Opener Comes Early
Within hours, imaginary retiree Gordy Plaisance, 72, had dragged his 12-foot aluminum boat down the driveway and launched it straight off the curb. By noon he had caught a 22-inch walleye, two snapping turtles and a shopping cart nobody has claimed since 2019.
“Nobody knows where the fish came from,” Gordy said, tugging his blaze-orange stocking cap. “My theory is the pothole connects to the Mississippi through all the other potholes. It’s one big underground network. Like the subway, if the subway was a cry for help.”
A made-up spokesperson for the pretend Department of Sort-of-Public Works confirmed the city “is aware of the lake” and has responded the only way it knows how. “We put out cones,” the spokesperson said. “Then the cones floated away, so we put out more cones. We are now the cone capital of the Midwest, and we will not apologize for that.”
Roundabout Traffic Gets Even Weirder
Drivers coming off the nearby roundabout, already confused about who has the right of way, now have to decide between going around the roundabout a fourth time or yielding to boats. Several just stopped, waved, said “ope” and waited for someone else to decide.
“I’ve been going in circles since Tuesday,” said invented commuter Brent Tollefson, 38. “Every time I come around, Gordy’s caught another fish. At this point I’m not even trying to get to work. I’m just here for the updates.”
Crime also found a way. Overnight, someone stole the dock, the “LAKE POTHOLE” sign and Gordy’s minnow bucket. Police took a report, told everyone to lock their boats, and noted that this was “the most organized thing anyone on Crumble Avenue has done all year.”
Winter Is Coming, and So Is Ice Fishing
With the forecast calling for snow Thursday, 61 degrees Friday and freezing rain “sometime, who knows,” residents are already planning the next phase. A fish house is on order. A bait shop has opened in somebody’s garage. One neighbor has proposed a bar on the ice, and the motion passed unanimously at a meeting that was really just four people in a driveway.
The city says a repair crew is scheduled “for spring, or the spring after that, depending on the budget, the weather and whether anybody remembers.” Until then, Lake Pothole is open to the public. Catch-and-release is encouraged. Bring your own life jacket. And maybe a snorkel for your car.
Got a pothole big enough to fish in? Send your blurry evidence through our contact form. Worldly Newsly Reportly will believe anything.
Worldly Newsly Reportly is StarShot’s satire section. Every story, person, quote and “fact” in it is made up for entertainment. St. Cloud is a real and lovely city, and we only tease the places we love.
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