SATIRE: This story is completely made up for laughs.
In the completely fictional city of St. Cloud, Minn., two strangers have been stuck in the same crosswalk for four straight days, each refusing to go first, and traffic now stretches past three roundabouts that somehow made it worse.
Witnesses say it started Monday morning when made-up resident Phyllis Kunkel, 64, and imaginary delivery driver Todd Blomquist, 41, arrived at opposite corners of an intersection near Division Street at the exact same second. Both stepped off the curb. Both froze. Both said “ope” at the same time.
“I said, ‘You go ahead,'” Phyllis told Worldly Newsly Reportly. “He said, ‘No, you go ahead.’ I said, ‘I insist.’ He said, ‘I insist more.’ That was Day One. We’re still here. My casserole is cold. My pride is not.”
Emergency Response Arrives Fashionably Late
By Tuesday, cars were backed up so far that one driver claimed he finished an audiobook, a nap and a midlife crisis before moving six feet. The pretend public works department sent a truck. It fell into a pothole two blocks away and has not been seen since.
“We put out cones,” said totally invented crew chief Vern Hasselberg. “Around the truck, around the pothole, and around the people who came to look at the cones. That’s governance.”
Local crime, such as it is, adapted quickly. Someone stole the WALK signal while the standoff continued. Police asked everyone to fill out a form online and “have a real nice day about it.”
Weather Joins the Party, Obviously
Wednesday brought sleet before breakfast, 58 degrees by lunch and a surprise snow squall that locals described as “just October being October.” Todd offered Phyllis his jacket. Phyllis offered Todd a granola bar. Neither would take the first step.
“This is peak Minnesota,” said imaginary social scientist Dr. Greta Moen of the made-up Institute for Politeness Gone Too Far. “Elsewhere, road rage. Here, road apology. Same gridlock. Better manners. Worse casserole outcomes.”
Breakthrough at Last
On Thursday afternoon, a snowplow driver named (we swear we invented him) Earl Quist nudged both of them forward by “accidentally” aiming a little snow their way. They stumbled across together, apologized for nine minutes, and swapped phone numbers so they could do it again next week.
At press time, a new pair had already taken their place at the same corner. Traffic is expected to clear sometime in 2029, weather permitting, and weather never permitting.
Seen an “ope, you first” emergency? Send your blurry evidence through our contact form. Worldly Newsly Reportly will believe anything.
Worldly Newsly Reportly is StarShot’s satire section. Every story, person, quote and “fact” in it is made up for entertainment. St. Cloud is a real and lovely city, and we only tease the places we love.
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